Chumpzilla goes to Treasury Head Paulson

Today’s Chumpzilla award has got to be one that everybody has seen coming. Everybody, that is except for Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulsen.

As we all now know, they have been able to terrify the Federal government into giving Treasury Chairman Paulsen the largest Federal grant ever handed to any individual with probably the least dollar per dollar oversight ever extended by our government.

It certainly has not helped that, as I pointed out when Senator Dodd won his Chumpzilla award, the appearance of saving the institutions that finance their campaigns comes with a rather foul stench of corruption and buy out attached.

But this morning, Mr. Paulson has decided that he needed to place a cherry on the financial ruin sundae he has been diligently preparing.

Now you may ask why I claim it is his sundae? Of course no man alone could cause so much havoc. Of course, he needed Ben Bernanke’s assistance in order to pull this off.

A little bit of history will help everyone understand just why:

• 1) Mr., Paulson is late of Goldman-Sachs and has had great historical ties to the firm.

• 2) Every Treasury/Federal Reserve led deal since we started to see the Bear Sterns debacle has been designed to subordinate non-banking financial services to banking interests which of course, are regulated by the Federal Reserve (which is still a private institution created by large banks in the hope that they can fend off competition from smaller, more nimble ones).

• 3) When the nationalized Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, they did so at the expense of shareholders in order to protect bondholders, primarily banks.

• 4) So by the time Lehman brothers came under duress, shareholders were very aware that Ben and Henry were perfectly willing to ignore shareholders concerns in favor of protecting their banking buddies.

• 5) When the government signals that it is willing to forcibly restructure one institution after another, no large investor is going to take the risk of investing in, or even lending, money to, any of these companies. Essentially, Paulson made it impossible for Lehman to borrow money and that led to their collapse.

• 6) Of course, panic ensued as everyone began to wonder who would be next. This created a domino effect of drying up investment and borrowing which is leading the impending failure of company after company. Not even a bailout valued at about 20% of the Federal budget is going to inject enough capital, if people are skittish about making any kind of commitment , short or long term.

• 7) Paulson left his position of CEO of Goldman-Sachs in 2006. Since then, we have seen him, along with Bernanke, stand atop a process that has seen all of Goldman’s primary independent investment banking companies either go bankrupt or flee to the protection of a traditional bank.

• Killing all this competition has left Goldman as the largest pure play investment bak since it has garnered massive amounts of market-share.

But this morning, Paulson wanted to flaunt it all in the faces of the politicians and the poor saps (yes, you and me) who are going to pay for the bailout:

He named his good friend and former colleague Neil Kashkari (yes, a former Goldman-Sachs banker) to manage the $700 Billion that he now has to play with.

Even as little as a year ago, no one would have imagined that one person could have positioned himself in such a way that he could sacrifice a significant portion (and perhaps even all of) our economic health while assisting his friends.

For that , and because you have topped it off with naming another Goldman-Sachs man to burn through, er manage, this taxpayer bounty, you Mr. Paulson get the latest Chumpzilla award.

Senator Chris Dodd wins Chumpzilla award for buyout

Are you wondering why  members of both parties are so ready to insist that there must be a bailout evne though their constituents are more oftne than not shouting “NO!” ?

The answer is easy: follow the money. It appears that Senator Dodd (and the two major party presidential candidates) are very much dependant on the moneys that have flowed into their pockets from the financial organizations that they are bailing out.

For example, review Senator Dodd’s financing sources:

Chris Dodd: Top 5 Contributors, 2003-2008
Citigroup Inc – $314,694
SAC Capital Partners – $282,000
United Technologies – $263,400
Royal Bank of Scotland – $229,950
American International Group – $224,678

Chris Dodd: Top 5 Industry Contributions, 2003-2008
Securities & Investment – $4,267,896
Lawyers/Law Firms – $1,990,713
Insurance – $1,439,672
Real Estate – $1,262,691
Commercial Banks – $861,944

Source: Opensecrets

Oh, and if you are wondering who is buying our presdientail candidates, here you go:

Barrack Obama:

Goldman Sachs $748,880
University of California $625,911
JPMorgan Chase & Co $493,469
Harvard University $473,669
Citigroup Inc $467,849
Google Inc $426,174
University of Chicago $424,539
UBS AG $423,045
Skadden, Arps et al $394,335
Lehman Brothers $393,324
National Amusements Inc $385,803
Microsoft Corp $380,735
Sidley Austin LLP $379,802
Kirkland & Ellis $376,164
Moveon.org $347,463
Morgan Stanley $341,320
Time Warner $338,677
Wilmerhale Llp $335,398
Exelon Corp $314,063
Latham & Watkins $299,650

John McCain:

Merrill Lynch $306,813
Citigroup Inc $277,251
Goldman Sachs $234,345
Morgan Stanley $234,272
AT&T Inc $192,557
JPMorgan Chase & Co $185,325
Credit Suisse Group $165,575
Blank Rome LLP $155,326
Greenberg Traurig LLP $148,787
UBS AG $138,665
PricewaterhouseCoopers $138,320
US Government $137,842
Bank of America $133,975
FedEx Corp $123,953
Wachovia Corp $123,096
Pinnacle West Capital $123,050
Lehman Brothers $120,600
Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher $104,250
US Army $103,613
Bear Stearns $99,300

So, Senator Dodd. i guess you feel like you are the banking industries Robin Hood. Taking from the mean old electorate and giving to the kindly banks that pay your keep. But in my book, that makes you one of the ugliest chumps of all. Senator, you get a well deserved Chumpzilla (and hopefully a boot from the voters of Connecticut to go with it).

Darth Chump

Ok, this one requires a little history.

A long time ago, back in 2001, there was an email campaign sometimes called “the Jedi Census Phenomena.”
The basic premise was that if enough people registered their religion as being “Jedi” (taken from the jedi Knights in the Star Wars Saga)in your country’s census that the governments would be obliged to recognize the Jedi religion as a real one.
in the Australian 2001 census, some 70,000 self identified as being Jedi. in New Zealand, it was avoer 1.5% of the population (beating out Buddhism and Hinduism). Canada reported a scant 20,000 Jedi, while England and Wales recorded almost 400,000 Jedi getting .07$ of the population (actually reaching 2.7% in Brighton). in fact a member of Parliament declared himself to be the first Jedi member back in 2005. the Scots, not to be out done, registered a small number of Jedi but also managed to get over 2000 people who declared themselves to be Siths (which just might explain the invention of bagpipes).

All this leads us to today’s Chump. It seems that Wales has really picked up on the phenomena as there was an attack on two self-styled Jedi in the town of Holyhead (which, let’s face it, sounds like something from the KamaSutra), by a certain Arwell Hughes. it seems that Hughes, was blind drunk (having drunk the better part of a 2/12 gallon box of, ummm, British wine)and screaming “Darth Vader, Jedis!” attacked the two poor gentlemen with a crutch.

True to the movie, two Jedi were not able to hold of a Drunken Darth Vader. The offender, who claims to have no recollection of the event, has gotten off with a suspended sentence and a small fine.

But he does merit some notoriety so he gets today’s Chumpzilla Award. May the farce be with us.

Monica Conyers, Donkey Chump

Monica Conyers, in a Detroit council meeting, loses her cool and uses the term “Shrek” as a pejorative aimed at a colleague. Bad as that is (i mean, how awful to call a colleauge an animated character, you Snagglepus, you), she then goes on to be interviewed by a group of middle school stiudents who take her to task for her behavior.

Monica gets into a childish argument with a child about, “well have you ever done anythign you have regreted? I am asking you.” I have kept saying for sometime that politicians are not good role models for children (do we really need more politicians?), but this one takes the cake.
Monica, we could call you a Scooby-doo, a Barney Rubble or a petty little Daffy Duck, but the name that really suits is Chumpzilla.

Ingrid Newkirk, Unethical Chump

The kentucky derby was sadly marred by a terrible accident in which the second place horse wound up losing it’s life. Eight Belles, who led for most of the race placed second and then , while slowing down  after the race, suddenly slipped and broke both legs. In order to alleviate what must have been terrible pain for a horse who probably would never walk again, the kind est act was done and the horse was euthanized.

How ever, this kind act was not wasted on Ingrid Newkirk, president and founder of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of animals, not the more famous culinary society: People Eating Tasty Animals).

No sooner had the sad event occurred than Ingird decided to pen a letter to Robert Beck, the head of the agency that relugates horse racing asking for an investigation, and to have the jockey (even prior to the investigation) suspended from racing. “compassionate people will not tolerate a sport whose champions end up lying dead,” she threatens. She claims that the jockey abused an injured horse by whipping it dui9rng the race. The attending veterinarian, Dr. Larry Bramlage has taken umbrage at Ms. Newkirk’s remarks.

“I don’t know if Eight Belles was injured before the finish line,” said Bramlage, who is an equine surgeon in Lexington. “She finished the race and galloped more than a quarter-mile after that. That’s all you want the horse to do.”

Obviously, Ms Newkirk, who was not on the track, could tell that the horse was injured much better than the veterinary staff who was actually at the race. Ms. Newkirk also feels the owners of the horse should be deprived of their second place winnings for some arbitrary reason. It certainly is not enough to have them grieve the loss of an animal they loved. How compassionate of Ms. NewKirk.

Worst of all, she published the letter to the media before the person she addressed it to even got it. What an ehtical act for a group that uses the term ethical in it’s name. it is my beleif that Ms Newkirk saw fitting to use the tragedy of this animals untoimely death as a way to propogate her noteriety.

For that, she getrs a major Chumpzilla.

Steve Balmer, Micro Chump

Ah, our dear friend Steve Balmer is making headlines again. While Bill gates was a rather demure and articulate CEO for Microsoft, Balmer has been more outspoken. When not out dancing like a polar bear with it’s testicles on fire, he is now making several manners of threats to the folks at Yahoo.

It is true that Microsoft is not in the habit of being resisted by those it wants to take over and they ,must feel surprised if not insulted that the good folks at Yahoo (who returned an unexpectantly better result in the last quarter) would not want to join the Borg.

Let’s face it, there are two major reasons that Microsoft wants Yahoo.

1) They have not been able to make inroads into the search game against Google woth their own product and Yahoo gives them some more leverage there. It alos provieds them with lots of rich content on which to sell advertising (which is the backbone of Google’s business and waht allows them to experiemtn in ways Microsoft never did)

2) It really is time that Microsoft changed it’s name. Afterall, when was the last time you refered to your PC, Laoptop, Notebook or phone as a “Micro computer”. Their name has become more of a liability than an asset.

Unfortunately, Borg has been copyrighted, so they can;t take that. And Balmer, in all his arrogance, seems to be doing his best to bring greater transparency to the classic woo and screw process that Microsoft has often been critiqued for. So for probably “effing” up the deal (or at least losing the peace afterward), we’d like to give Mr., Balmer today’s Chumpzilla award. a shame Steve. Given the way you dance, you would have made a great Chief Yahoo.

Gary Coleman, Diminutive Chump

Gary “Whatchew talkin’ ’bout” Coleman, is having marital troubles. After entering into matrimony at the age of 40 with 22 year old Shannon Price, it appears they wish to settle their differences on the television show Divorce Court.

Shannon claims that throws temper tantrums like a 5 year old and bangs his head against the wall while screaming. Gary defends himself by saying that for some reason his opinions don’t matter.

Some reports are claiming that Shannon feels neglected because Gary would prefer to play with his electric train than play wioth Shannon, if you get what I mean.

Perhaps some evil African sorcerer has shrunk poor Gary’s penis?

I am not certain you can fall a lot lower than Gary has gotten at this point. One must be really desperate to get to this point just to be back on televesion.

Which means, Gary, you get todays Chumpzilla Award. Uh, congratulations! You’re famous again!

Claudio Ricci, Heartless Chump

Claudio Ricci has the honor of being the mayor or the small town of Assisi in Italyy. As mayor, he sees his role to be a defender of townm and to “preserve the character of the town and it’s welcome.”

In order to do so, Mayor Ricci has outlawed sitting on the ground, lying down or seeking handouts within 500  meters of town churches and other public places. The irony here is that the most famous son of the town is St Francis of Assisi, patron saint of the poor.

The head of the local Fransiscan monastery as well as the president of the Vatican Council for Peace and Justice have denounced the mayors new law. Mayor Ricci seems motivated by the retoric of premier Berlusconni’s newly won power.

In a town famous for a Saint devoted to helping those in need, We feel that Cladio Ricci was desperately in need of receiving a Chumpzilla Award. Claudio, you are poor in spirit, which is far worse than being poor in finances and makes you todays chump.

Cary Baker, No Testicle Chump

It seems that Florida residents have made popular a new car accessory. A hanging decoration designed to look like the scrotum of a bull and sometimes marketed under the label “Truck Nutz” is all the rage. One hangs them from the hitch of your pick-up or car in order to show that your particular track is male and “has a pair”.

Well,  Senate lawmakers in Florida have voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from the trailer hitches .

Republican Sen. Cary Baker, a gun shop owner from Eustis, Florida, called the decorations offensive and proposed the ban. Motorists would be fined $60 for displaying the items.

Someone needs to let Mr. Baker know that these hallowed items are actually a representation of something that has been much venerated over time. The Milan Stock market is known as the “Borsa” and the Paris stock market is calledthe “Bourse”, both names derive from a late latin term for the scrotum of a bull. Why? Well, it seems it turns out that people found the skin made a perfect bag in which to carry money. Even in English, the term “purse” derives from the same piece of anatomy (yes, ma’am, I’m sure you are thinking of that when wondering if it will match with your favorite shoes). I do have to say that some people claim the word origin is the Van Der Beurze family of Bruges  who managed a warehouse and currency exchange in the medieval canaled city.

in any case, i could not testify (a wrod that comes from swearing one one’s family jewels in ancient Rome) as to which of the orgins is more accurate.

What I can easily attest to, however, is that Mr Cary is far too concerend with the decor of moving vehicles as a preoccupation of government. While he may be sporting a pair that allows him to waste govenremnt resources on such legislation, he certainly lacks a sense of humor which makes him todays Chumpzilla Award winner.

Reza Zarei, Chumpzilla of Police

In March of 2008, Reza Zarei, then chief of Police in Tehran (in charge of moralization and enforcement of Islamic values) was arrested and lost his post.

This dignified official, who counted among his duties the enforcment of Islamic dress code and fighting the good fight against indecent behavior among the youth of Tehran, was known for being the person who decided whether a young woman may have been wearing indecently short pants or illegally revealing a wisp of hair.

The catch is that he seemed to have been too deeply involved in his work. The former Chief was arrested when he was discovered in a house of ill repute surrounded by 6 women devoid of any clothing, never mind a veil or chador.

I am not sure what Iranian law may hold in store for him, but it must be rather extreme as he was hospitalized on April 23rd after attempting to remove himself from the planet.

In any case, Reza Zarei gets today’s Chumpzilla award.